i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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