I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
