I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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