but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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