i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize