I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
