I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Randomize
