im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Randomize
