We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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