when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
