I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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