He uses pillows to masturbate.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
