i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
