well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
