I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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