Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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