i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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