I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Randomize
