Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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