My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
