Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Randomize
