Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize