You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
