I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
A bitchslap is in order.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
