A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize