I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
