So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
