drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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