did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
