Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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