does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
she peed on how many people?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize