drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
