he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
