you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
