He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
