youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
