he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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