if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
