He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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