There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
