all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Never let your siblings swipe right.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
