woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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