So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
