My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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