I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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