I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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