ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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