i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
i out mim tonsoeep
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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