in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
