I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
