Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
