Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
