there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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