after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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