I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
