Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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