Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
