Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
