Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Sober January is a disaster.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I deserve to be covered in dicks
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I need to align my fucking chakras
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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