apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You have to summon your inner elephant
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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