please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
