how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
