sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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