I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
