...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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