Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
