I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
