I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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