i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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